There is a powerful force inside all of us. If you are very lucky, you may experience enough, hear enough, and read enough to collect the amount of words, with the right definitions, that may paint a picture that resembles something close to what that force is making you feel. Some people will never find the words, and they will turn into other art forms – dancing, music, comedy, cooking, athletic performance, doing something with your hands.
After some time sailing this human vessel on this earthly dimension on planet Earth, I believe that we are individually as insignificant to the grand scheme of the Universe as a speck of dust on top of a closet on somebody else’s home. And still, while we are so insignificant and dismissable for the operation of “everything” we were gifted the ability to feel strong emotions in our body, and our heart, and we have developed a rational side that wants to understand and explain the reason of this experience.
One of my biggest revelations is that “I don’t need to understand everything”; consequently, I don’t need to explain everything. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone, including myself. I don’t need to get everything right, I don’t need to carry the weight of the world over my shoulders, even if I have the ability to feel it because I have empathy and so much love inside my heart. I think that may be why times of loneliness and “isolation” are so heavy to go through. I have so much love to give, and I was never taught that I could give all that love to myself if nobody else is around. I identify with my ego so much, that I end up forgetting that it is just one more character in this universal play that includes absolutely everything.
I’m so lucky and grateful for my journey so far. I want to write a short note about one of its most wonderful parts. The time I was blessed to share as the friend, best friend, boyfriend, and finally husband of Kristin Rojas. It will soon be the second anniversary of our divorce, and there are very few days that I don’t remember our time together or some beautiful memory we shared. I don’t think we were perfect for each other, and I don’t know if such thing even exists in human relationships, but she was the catalyst to so many adventures, friendships, experiences, and inspired me to become a better person that I would never ever had come close to be if it wasn’t for her.
There was a time in our relationship when that strong force inside of us started pulling chords to separate us. And I know it was all for our best interest and the best interest of the biggest picture. It takes time and distance to gain perspective, and even more time and distance to integrate the experiences and being able to manage the strong emotions associated with a breakup with someone who has been such a pillar for our existence for so long. We are only evolving humans, and I feel very powerful tribal genetic protection mechanisms that want us to stay in a safe space without taking any unnecessary risks. But our minds are evolving so rapidly and there is a strong mismatch we need to reconcile between what our amygdala recognizes as threats and what our prefrontal cortex understands is reasonably safe and beneficial for the evolution of our species.
I have been in situations where I have been hurt physically and emotionally by people and just life events, and I have a strong conviction that even the worse moments were meant to elevate me, educate me, and prepare me for the beauty that was to come after the shit storm. Does this ring a bell for you?
Packing my bags and leaving the love of my life was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I’m still healing from the trauma, and I hope that I get to talk to her again one day soon, and I get to come back into her life as something more adequate than a husband, where I get to share her ups and her downs and more than anything, share some of this ridiculous amount of love and energy that I have in my heart and I don’t even know how to manage if it isn’t by doing stuff for the wonderful people that destiny keeps putting on my way.
Everything is perfect as it is. I only wish you the best. You are always on my mind, and I love you so much.
I look forward to our next reunion, maybe in a future lifetime. Who knows how long life will be, and what beautiful people we may run into and share our way with in the future. Whatever happens, let it be known that you will always be the love of my life.